How to get help safely
Before getting help, check whether the phone, computer or tablet you’re using can be seen by anyone else – especially by the person you want to talk about. This might be because they’re in the same room as you or because you think they’re monitoring what you do on your device.
Refuge has advice available in English, Urdu, Spanish and Polish on how to secure your technology and recognise the signs of technology abuse.
If you’re worried about your privacy when seeking help, or worried about the privacy of your device, here are three things you can do:
- Memorise key phone numbers to call when it’s safe to do so, for example the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247
- Use the ‘quick exit’ button if the website has one, this closes the web page quickly
- Call or access websites on a device you know is safe, for example a trusted friend’s phone
If you’re in immediate danger, always call 999. If you have a hearing or speech impairment, use the textphone service 18000 or text on 999 if you’ve pre-registered with the emergency SMS service.
If you call 999 from a mobile phone but are unable to speak, you can use Silent Solution by pressing 55 when prompted. Once you press 55, the operator will transfer the call to the relevant police force as an emergency.
If you’ve been harmed or are at risk of being harmed, or if someone you know has been harmed or is at risk, report this to Greater Manchester Police (GMP) by calling 101 or via the live chat function on the website.
If it’s safer, you can go to your local police station and talk to a police officer in person. GMP will provide a safe and comfortable environment for you. Find your nearest police station or local policing team here.
If you’d like to report anonymously, contact Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111. Crimestoppers is a charity that’s entirely independent of police.
What to tell the police
If you’re considering making a report to the police, there are things that you can do to help them. However, only do what’s safe for you, and don’t worry if you don’t have this when you first contact the police. Your safety is the highest priority.
If possible, you can:
- provide as much detail as possible about what’s happened to you
- make a note of the time, date and place the incident(s) happened
- give the names and addresses of anyone who saw or heard the abuse or who you told about what was happening to you
- keep anything that may confirm what happened to you, for example photos, mobile phone video or audio recordings, threatening text messages or abusive emails
Telltale signs of domestic abuse and violence
Here are some telltale signs that someone you know might be being abused:
- injuries – bruising, cuts, walking stiffly or appearing sore
- excuses about injuries – claiming they’re clumsy, giving the same explanation for different injuries or explanations that don’t quite make sense
- stress – displaying physical symptoms related to stress, anxiety disorders or depression such as panic attacks, signs of an inability to cope, talking about suicide attempts or self-harming
- absent from work – often off sick, taking time off without notice or frequently late
- personality changes – especially when around their partner such as being very careful about what they say or do, being jumpy or nervous
- low self-esteem – lack of confidence regarding their relationship or life in general and might cry, seem sad or depressed
- lack of opportunity to communicate independently – their partner talks over them or for them, appears controlling or regularly belittles them
- self-blame – taking the blame for anything that happens at work, with the kids or with friends, or blaming themselves for the abuse
- lack of money – you get the impression that their partner is withholding money to control them
- stops socialising – making excuses for not going out with friends or suddenly pulling out of social meetings at the last minute
- partner displays irrational behaviour – their partner is jealous or possessive, accusing them of having affairs or flirting, reading their emails or checking their phone, or constantly phoning to check up on them
- unwanted pregnancy or termination – unhappy at being pregnant, not wishing to continue with the pregnancy or being forced to have a termination
- substance abuse – using alcohol or drugs to cope or using prescribed drugs such as tranquillisers or anti-depressants
- damage to property – there may be damage to the home or even harm to pets
- unwilling to give out personal details – insisting they contact you, not wanting anyone to contact them or visit unannounced
How to support someone you think might be a victim
If you’re worried about someone and think they might be a victim of domestic abuse and violence, your help can make a real difference.
Here are seven ways to support someone you think might be a victim:
- Be approachable so they feel able to open up to you if and when they’re ready.
- Don’t wait for them to bring it up if you have serious concerns. Find a safe time and place when the abuser isn’t around to raise it with them. Be sensitive and respectful. Don’t blame them or their partner, make it clear you’re worried about them and want to offer your help and support if they need it. If they don’t want to talk about it, respect their decision and make it clear that’s fine too. They may open up to you again at a later time.
- Be patient. Even if your support is knocked back at first, or they deny there’s an issue, your words may be enough to make them think about what’s happening and could encourage them to seek help or open up to you again in the future. Try not to tell them to leave their abuser or get frustrated at them if they stay – it’s their decision. And don’t give up on them if they leave but then return to the abuser.
- Respond with empathy and listen carefully. If they talk to you about what’s going on, the way you respond will make a real difference. They might feel empowered, more able to cope, more able to explore options or make choices now that they have you to talk things through with. You may not have all the answers, but by helping someone to break the silence on their abuse, you’re helping them take important first steps to getting help and support.
- Understand that it’s not always as simple as the victim leaving the abuser. Relationships are very complicated and there might be children involved. They may not recognise that they’re a victim of abuse, and abusers often promise to ‘change’. Their partner might’ve threatened them or their children with violence if they try to leave, and leaving the abuser doesn’t mean that the abuse will stop.
- Be practical and find out about help and support available from local and national support services. Help them think about options and choices. Come up with a code word they can use to let you know if they’re in danger and need help. Offer to safely store an overnight bag and important documents for them, so if they need to leave their abuser at the last minute, they have the things they need.
- Look after yourself. Try not to lose heart if it feels like you’re not helping as much as you’d like. Just being there for them matters a great deal. Don’t put yourself in a dangerous situation or let the abuser see you as a ‘threat’ to their relationship. Get help for yourself. Many domestic abuse and violence support services also offer help to friends and family members who are affected.
If you think the situation is getting worse, or the person is at risk, contact the police for help.
How domestic abuse and violence affects children and young people
If there are children in the household, it’s likely they’ll have seen or heard the abuse, or see the injuries and aftermath.
Some children may try to get in the middle and stop the abuse from taking place. Sometimes children might be made to stay in one room or forbidden from playing. They might also be forced to watch the abuse or join in.
Children involved in domestic violence are also victims. They’re being emotionally abused.
Children may feel guilty, angry, scared, confused, alone or frustrated. They might also:
- have trouble sleeping
- feel anxious or depressed
- complain of physical symptoms
- start to wet the bed or behave as though they’re younger than they are
- have problems at school
- self-harm or start using drugs or alcohol
Children and young people need support too. They can contact the charity Childline. It offers a private and confidential service for children and young people up to the age of 19. Call 0800 1111.
Teenage relationship abuse
Domestic abuse and violence doesn’t just happen between married adults. Teenagers and young people can also experience abusive relationships. It’s not normal, and it’s never okay.
Find out more about the different types of abuse and get advice from The Children’s Society.
Domestic abuse protection orders
The legal system provides a variety of measures to protect you from further harm and the threat of further harm, so you can live a safer life.
Protection orders include:
- non-molestation order
- occupation order
- prohibited steps order
- enforcement
- domestic violence protection notice (DVPN)
- restraining order
Find out more from the National Centre for Domestic Violence.
What is Clare’s Law?
Clare’s Law is also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS).
It gives you the power to make an inquiry to the police about a current partner or an ex-partner who you’re concerned might be violent towards you. You can also inquire about a person in a relationship with someone you know because you’re worried that person might be violent.
The police will release information about any previous history of violence or abuse the person might have.
Find out more and make an application on Greater Manchester Police website.
More about domestic abuse law
On 29 April 2021, the Domestic Abuse Act became law. It provides protection to victims and survivors of domestic abuse and strengthens measures to tackle perpetrators.
Read more about the law on legislation.gov.uk.
You might be able to get legal aid if you have evidence that you or your children have been victims of domestic abuse and you can’t afford to pay legal costs.
You can also get help from Rights of Women, an organisation that provides free, confidential legal advice for women.
Citizens Advice offers a range of advice and guidance relating to domestic abuse.
The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS), the government department responsible for prosecuting criminal cases investigated by the police, has more information about what to expect from the criminal justice system.
What to do if you’re worried about your own behaviour
If you’re concerned about your own behaviour towards a partner, the charity Respect provides confidential advice and support for perpetrators of domestic abuse and violence who are looking for help to stop. Call 0808 8024040 or email info@respectphoneline.org.uk.
